Valentines Day guide to gift giving (more news)

We here at The Office Daily News know that they're just as many women out there wondering what to get for their significant other as men.  So we have taken it upon ourselves to put together this guide to gift giving for men and women. 

First off, for the women, guys if you don’t know by now, your gal pal loves shinny things, much like a raccoon they are drawn to flashy metal objects and once the get a hold of them they will never let go.  So for you fellahs we recommend the latest invention in sensual pleasure from Vaillindustries Inc., the "Flashy Flashy Condom", the latest in their line of prophylactics boast a shinny tin foil exterior studded with beautiful light reflecting clear gems.  Equip your piece with the latest in technology and she will not let it go.  (Warning, in severe cases chafing has been know to occur with over use, in one case the Jaws of Life were required, please use extra caution if you or your partner have arthritis)

Also much like the raccoons most ladies like fur…. coats, shawls, scarves, and pretty much anything else available in fur.  For this unique gift idea we go back to Vaillindustries Inc. The "Beaver Muff", this eloquent hand muff is made of pure 98% Beaver pelt.  You may be asking what the other 2% is made of and that is where uniqueness of this gift comes in, this muff comes with a shaving kit and beaver safe applicator for the man to add some of his own fur to the muff.  What better way to say I love you then to keep your significant other warm and reminded of you all winter long!  The Beaver Muff retails at Macys and other fine department stores for $29.99.

Now for the guys, ladies you can be the typical girl friend/wife and get your man something predictable like a video game or dress up in that candy striper uniform again, or you can get him something that he will never forget.  The Vaillindustries Inc., "Home Prostate Exam".  With prostate cancer predicted to eclipse colon cancer in American deaths this year, what better way to say "I want to keep you around for a while"? The kit comes with two sampling probes and a set of white rubber gloves for you ladies to assist in the “exam” (you can even wear that candy striper uniform while doing this), and the best part of the kit is it comes with two chocolate truffles for when you have finished the exam and want to enjoy a nice sensual dessert together.  Just add wine and you will have a night that neither of you will soon forget.

An equally unique gift for the guys is the Vaillindustries Inc. “Mold Me”, a life sized self molding kit that will allow you to make a silicone replica of your self in the buff, now when he gets drunk and says he wants to have a three way with your sister you can give him a less disturbing way to fulfill his fantasy.  Creating your twin is fun and easy for the both of you with the easy silicone applicator and the enhancement options you and your man can give you that body you have always wanted.  The gift is completed with complimentary edible gummy porn star figurines, with flavors like Jenna Jamison to Ron Jeremy; you will want to taste them all! 

So this year ditch the lingerie and the silk boxers, and toss out that 3 month old whipped cream that has hints of chocolate syrup and avocado stuck in it, and go for a truly romantic and unique experience this Valentines Day.  Purchase one of the many unique and awesomely special gifts from Vaillindustries Inc. where they aim to please and occasionally they apologies if they catch you off guard.  Remember their motto, Increase the Mojo at the Hojo, be Vaillinspired with Vaillindustries!  You can purchase the full tine of Vaillindustries products thru TheOfficeDailyNews.com Shop and Classifieds sections.  (ugh ya Digg?)

One Armed Bandit Suing Multiple Las Vegas Casinos   (more US News)   The "One Armed Bandit" is suing Multiple Las Vegas Casinos for Copyright infringement. 96 year old William Fitzpatrick filed a civil law suit in Las Vegas County Courts on Monday.  He is stating that the named casinos (that wish to remain nameless) have been using his copyrighted name for over 40 years in the marketing of there games and casinos.    Fitzpatrick copyrighted the name “One Armed Bandit” 60 years ago when he published his memoirs, “Tales from a life of crime: The One Armed Bandit Stories”.  In the book he describes how he grew up, how he became known as the one armed bandit and list every job he ever pulled.     In 1928 during the height of prohibition and subsequently bootlegging, a then 26 year old William Fitzpatrick was running a white lightning operation  from his father's deli. The 26 year old was making his daily runs to area nursing homes supplying the elderly with some fine quality hooch when he was blind-sided by a geriatric in a wheel chair who was frantically trying to get to a bingo game. The balls were being shaken and it was said that Gerdy Leftgrove had her spot in a heated 4-corners game when she was rudely interrupted by a prune salad she had eaten a few hours earlier. Gerdy was making a right hand turn out of the woman's room to rush back to her game, when she ran into Fitzpatrick, getting his arm stuck into the spokes of her wheelchair. A combination of negligence and senility rendered her unaware of Mr. Fitzpatrick, unfortunately, she did not know she was dragging him through the halls of the nursing home until it was too late, by then Mr. Fitzpatrick's arm was already severed. Mrs. Leftgrove was later apprehended and spent 3 months cleaning up garbage on the side of the interstate. She later appealed and is suing the nursing home for 25 cents, the cost of the bingo game.	Ghost Hunting Show Actually Finds a Ghost : (more US News)    It’s true, the popular paranormal show “Huntin Ghost with Flo” from the TLC 2 channel (contact your cable provider to order “TLC 2”) has, for the first time in recorded/reality ghost hunting history, captured unedited footage of an encounter.  The experts have viewed the footage and have agreed that it is 100% legit.  The show airs next Friday at its normal time of 8pm, however The Office Daily News has the inside scoop on the footage!    Our field reporter Chance Chapman received an early copy of the show and told us this of what he viewed…   “The EMP (Enhanced Magnesium Perception) Team was called to a location in North East NY to investigate reports of paranormal activity at an old United Way/Boys and Girls club building.  After setting up there equipment and waiting until about 3am they got a hit on one of the cameras, you can clearly see a disgruntled apparition of sorts dressed in traditional Native American regalia singing "In the Navy." Experts believe the apparition is from the early 1900's and goes by the name Reynolds. Some research has been done and it was found that Reynolds was the director of activities for a near-by YMCA club. Authorities believe that there was once a falling out between Reynolds and his lady of interest Goldie after it was found that she had not renewed her membership to the YMCA and had joined the United Way Boys and Girls Club citing more game choices and a more extensive crayon selection. Ghost Hunters believe that the apparition is Reynolds avenging the extra-curricular infidelity of Goldie.
MONTHLY TRIBUTE                    We present to you this month, A Tribute The Styles of the Time!                    Clothing styles come and go.  As human beings we tend to follow the trend setters.  Models, professional athletes, celebrities and so on.  As you may well know originality is not easy to find these days.  Everyone just copies everyone else.  Yes even you "alternative" dressed posers.  I know you claim that you're just expressing your individuality and you don't care what people think but if that is the case I believe I have a quick definition for ya.  Dictionary.com defines individuality as that which distinguishes one person or thing from others; sole and personal nature.  So the other 2,098,414 people in the US that look just like you negates your so called originality, yeah I did the research.  And oh yeah, if you didn't care what people think then you wouldn't look like you raided that pinhead guy from Hell raisers closet, cause guess what; that fashion statement screams "look at me".   (full story click here)	Newest Trendy Diet in Hollywood:(more Entertainment)Try it your self, it boast a whopping 10 lbs lost per week on the diet!   The Roofis Rutherford Diet is taking Hollywood by storm and in Middle America the books cannot be kept on shelves.  The diet combines an aggressive exercise program with a very unique diet.  The book comes with a DVD of Roofis himself showing you the moves and proper portions of the diet.  Here is an excerpt from Chapter 4 “Pimp the Portion”   "What you need to do is be honest wit yoself. Yous packin some a dat junk in yo trunk and yous be eatin the damn waffles wit dat fry chicken. Whatta you say you get dat ass out on the street and earn Roofis soma dat cash and when you get back I'll slap da taste ouf ya mouf. This way you eatin but it aint doing nothing. Maybe you gets on my plan and I won't has to shave the bacon off yo ass with a pitbull. You know dis."
Bloggin With Big Perm: The Offies, you may have to start awarding these at your work!           Chet Munions, Awarded on September 2, 2001: Most Improved Player: Chet, we know you have the personality of a soft-spoken sociopath, but, we appreciate the distance you have come to join the winning team here at XYZ Corp. It seems that only 30 years ago we hired you and noticed your peculiarities when faced with the various challenges of the job. We know the comfort you felt from slamming your nut sack in your desk drawer when you became nervous and we applaud you for refraining for the last 5 years. All of us here have pitched in and got you this golden plaque that says "Chet Munions no more will you torture you love onions." It rhymes, Bill thought of it and we are all very proud of what you've done...just don't come within 50 feet of us.   (click for more from Big Perm)	Carnival Ride Runs Amuck : (more US news)       Carnival Ride runs amuck: The “Little Trasher” ride at the St Amerlias Lawn Freight in Lewiston Alabama ran off its rails and crashed into a watermelon stand injuring two and giving hundreds the scare of a lifetime.  The “Little Trasher” ride is a rail car type ride where children can ride in miniature motorized garbage trucks and at the end of the ride they can dig thru the bucket of the truck for a prize.  Four of the cars left the track during the incident and rumbled uncontrollably towards the refreshment stands It was reported that the rides operator had pushed the control lever to full power after being knocked unconscious when hit with a game ball from another popular attraction, the connect four style game, “I Got It”.   According to the police report Waylon Jones and Wauneta Warrens were having a dispute over whose balls landed in whose bin when they began to throw the 2lb balls at each other.  When other patrons where involved it incited an I Got It riot and red balls were being tossed everywhere.  Police are not sure whose balls hit the operator of the “Little Trasher” ride.  Mr. Jones and Miss Warrens are being charged with inciting a riot and were released this afternoon on there own recognizance.